Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
