i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
