You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
