i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I party with great urgency now.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
