You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
that may or may not have been my penis.
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