Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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