ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
