I'm going to jail i love you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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