How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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