I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
