I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
