I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
