Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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