Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
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Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
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I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.