Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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