The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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