Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
