just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize