I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
