i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
