Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
