Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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