So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
