It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
