im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
