The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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