u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
