I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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