If i could tip my vagina, i would.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
