the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
