I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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