Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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