I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
