I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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