i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
