Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
