i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
