The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
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Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
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i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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