My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
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Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
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I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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