Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
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Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
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Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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