yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
