I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
