dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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