she smelled like a LAN party
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
