I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
