I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
It's never too late to be topless.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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