Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
