woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
