this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
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