nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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