I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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