Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
