I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
