I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
