i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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