I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
